My Cat Tried to Kill Me

I never thought I’d be typing out these words, but life is surprising like that. I don’t actually think she was trying to kill me, but once you hear the actual story, you’ll understand why it’s more exciting to paint her in this light. Here’s the assassin that I’m talking about. Her name is Selena, she’s 5 years old, and weighs 17 lbs.
Here’s a close up of her mugshot for your viewing:


Does she reek of evil? Maybe not, but then again, some of the world’s best assassins probably didn’t either. You have to earn your victim’s trust.

Anyways, so the crime took place at 6:00am on 3/30/18. The suspect allegedly tried to jump onto the bed as the victim (me) was sleeping. Allegedly, the suspect likes sleeping near the victim’s face. It seems that, allegedly, the suspect jumped up onto the bed, but miscalculated the space she had for her landing, resulting in a serious Mufasa-moment. In a moment of desperation and self-preservation, the suspect clawed vigorously at whatever she could in an attempt to save her from the fall. One of those strikes hit the victim square in the face. The suspect’s claws pierced the victim’s skin as it dug in from her eyelid, down to her cheek, and then across the side of the nose. This was not a light discomfort since the suspect weighs a strong 17 pounds. The pain from the attack woke the victim up, who then sat up in a frenzy to ensure that she still had a face. She did…there was blood, there was stinging, but there was still a face. Allegedly.

So now, because my cat is the complete opposite of agile, and thus the most uncat-like feline, I’m over here looking like I got into a fight with Freddy Kruegar. It’s actually just one big scratch down my face, but really, is that any different? But as with all bad news, there is some good: I have now (finally) learned how to use concealer.

Drita from Mob Wives said it best, “trust no one.” Not even this face.


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